Category: Alcoholics Anonymous

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Nearing the end of the Alcoholics Anonymous 12-Steps program we are now fully in future-mode and preparing ourselves to cement the positive changes we have undergone thus far. At first glance this step might seem quite passive, simply encouraging participants to pray and meditate to obtain “knowledge of His will”. Working Step 11 is unexpectedly multi-faceted, however. In addition to explaining the different objectives that meditation and prayer are meant to accomplish, this step highlights the importance of having the right mindset in your approach. Otherwise, your prayer and meditation could backfire, leading to recovery-impeding pitfalls. 

What If I’m Not Religious? 

Naturally, this step can seem quite challenging–or even impossible–for someone who is non-religious. Outwardly, completing this step seems to be almost entirely dependent on the acknowledgment of a formal God figure. However, as is the case with previous steps that have had a religious tone, you are encouraged to apply your own interpretation of God. Further, the fundamental principles of step eleven can still apply in non-religious reflection. 

The Objective of Prayer & Meditation

Step 11 seems rather straightforward, but it is not as simple as meditation and prayer for the sake of getting something off your chest or strengthening your relationship with your higher power. The intention of prayer and meditation within the 12 Steps is to move away from worldly concerns and to realize our ideal selves. In the original text, this is referred to as the “spiritual objective” which serves as a goal to keep us on a positive track. Prayer and meditation are intended to help discover what this is for each individual.

The Difference Between Prayer and Meditation

These distinctions might not be relevant to secular individuals, but for those who are religious, it is helpful to understand the difference between these two acts. Step 11 denotes the unique intent and function of each type of spiritual outreach. Prayer is when one actively asks things of God (or your higher power). Meditation, on the other hand, is exploratory and introspective which is where our ideal selves (a.k.a. “spiritual objective”) are first envisioned. 

Working Step 11: The Goal of Prayer

The biggest takeaway of this step isn’t to simply encourage regular participation in spiritual reflection. Step 11 provides a helpful guide and highlights the importance of going into these activities with a proper mindset. The initial instinct might be to reach out to a higher power seeking guidance on specific issues (i.e. What to do about a fight with your sibling) or to ask for specific things (i.e. Cure your friend diagnosed with cancer). This does virtually nothing for your personal growth. Instead, think big picture: Ask for qualities or traits (ex. understanding, patience, or compassion) that will help you live according to the principles of AA and will empower you to resolve your issues yourself. 

Let’s use the above example about a person praying for help regarding a fight with their sibling. Rather than hoping for a resolution to be handed to them, it would much more constructive to ask for greater empathy (to better understand why she’s upset), grace (which might prevent future flaring of tempers, thus preventing arguments from occurring in the future), or perhaps even humility so that a person can apologize quickly and prevent disagreements from escalating in the first place.  

Another danger of turning to prayer for help with micro-level problems is that you may unconsciously use it to rationalize your own wishful thinking. No matter how well-intentioned you may be, this “guidance” can be very self-serving. It can actually push you away from the Alcoholics Anonymous path. This is why step eleven emphasizes “will” and “knowledge”.  Otherwise, the act of prayer and meditation would be little more than going through motions.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

We first took inventory of ourselves in Step 4, but self-improvement isn’t just a one-and-done deal. Working Step 10 pushes us to do this on a daily basis. Remember: Recovery is a life-long journey that continues long after you have worked all twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is an ongoing process where, in order to grow, you must continuously shed your old self. The only way this can happen is through constant and continuous self-reflection. But this still begs the question: how does continued personal inventory help you stay sober?

Why Step 10 Matters

Step 10 is significant in that it’s the first one concerned with future behavior rather than analyzing past actions. It encourages ongoing personal inventory and self-assessment in order to continue the progress you’ve made thus far. If this step were to be summed up in a single word it would be ‘maintenance’. However, making self-examination a daily habit isn’t just for the benefit of practicing mindfulness. This works like a daily spot check. It can help you identify specific points in your day where you may have struggled (or excelled) in applying the principles of AA teachings. 

To put it simply, step 10 is all about control–specifically, control over one’s reactions. Think back to how your alcoholism habit started. You may have turned to drink because of a reaction to some sort of stressor (a bad day at work, an argument with a loved one, feeling depressed)–this was a lack of control over your emotional outlets. Then, when you drank, you did so in such excess that it interfered with the foundations of your daily life–another display of a lack of control. Fortunately, this is an ability that can be developed and improved upon. Steps 1-9 gave you the foundation to do so, now it’s up to you to put it into practice. 

The Importance of Self-Restraint

One of the highlights in the Step 10 text is an emphasis on self-restraint- but what is it exactly?  Self-restraint is not: 

• Repressing negative emotions (like anger, jealousy, frustration, or sadness) 
• Feeling bad or guilty about having negative emotions 
• Denial of your feelings
• Removing yourself from situations that might incur these feelings

Self-restraint is the cognitive ability to regulate your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors regardless of the situation. Just as with any other type of skill, it can be learned, but it’s not something that simply develops overnight. Exercising self-restraint in your smaller daily interactions will better prepare you when bigger issues arise–major stressors that might otherwise tempt you to relapse. You won’t always have control over where you’re at, who you’re around, or what happens to you, which is why earning (and practicing) self-restraint is key to maintaining sobriety. 

Tips For Working Step 10

Being mindful and continuously rehashing your immediate behavior can give you valuable insight into your triggers, recognizing your response patterns, and recognizing the consequences of your responses. This means taking a moment to stop and analyze whenever you find yourself in an emotionally-charged situation: 

• How does this make me feel?
• Why do I feel this way?
• What would happen if I gave into my instinctual reaction and would it fix/improve the situation?

The other half of this is looking at how you did end up responding to a situation. Did you do it in a way that you would look back on and feel proud of? If not, do you think that the person or situation deserved the reaction you gave? Part of self-restraint means always striving to hold yourself to a higher standard even when someone else doesn’t (see: Step 9). 

Try to practice this self-reflection both in the moment and at the end of each day. Over time, this skill will become second nature, giving you ultimate control over yourself. 

“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

Step 9 of Alcoholics Anonymous is a continuation of the reckoning that began in Step 8. Now that we’ve given proper thought to who we’ve hurt and how we did it (even if we didn’t realize it at the time), the time has finally come to make contact and make amends. But, Step 9 isn’t only having the courage to initiate difficult conversations in order to right past wrongs. It’s also about considering the potential repercussions of your admissions/apologies and making sure you’re doing it in a way that doesn’t result in additional harm – either to the direct individual or to third parties. This means being mindful of how you choose to make amends, when you decide the time to do it, and how much you disclose.

Time To Make Contact: Where Do I Start?

Admitting past wrongdoings is not a one-size-fits-all type of situation. As stated in the original wording of the text, sometimes direct amends won’t always be possible – so what then? For this reason, the act of making amends is typically broken down into three types: direct, indirect, and living. Additionally, these amends can come in several forms, such as verbal apologies, apologies through action, or even restitution.

The 3 Types of Amends

• Direct Amends – This method of making amends involves making direct contact with the affected person. This involves face-to-face, not just talking over the phone. There are a number of reasons that might make this approach unfeasible: physical distance, unwillingness on their part, or it could be an unsafe/triggering situation for yourself. If it’s the latter, it’s usually not advisable to attempt to make a direct amend.

• Indirect Amends – When you’re unable to meet with someone face to face, indirect amends can still be meaningful. It can mean paying old debts, replacing things you’ve broken, returning items you stole, volunteering for a related cause, etc. These are helpful in fixing physical damage, however, may be limited by way of addressing emotional harm.  

• Living Amends – Sometimes, words just don’t cut it; you’ve either broken promises too many times that saying an apology carries little weight. In these cases, living your apology is the next best thing. If you’re unable to verbally communicate with someone, you can atone for your past actions through your current ones. Committing to this new sober lifestyle can speak volumes to those you’ve let down in the past. Opting for living amends might be the most appropriate for individuals that you either can’t reach or who are unwilling to see you.

Tips For Making Amends

Just as the nature of the grievance itself can vary, so will the means of resolution. Different situations will warrant different ways of proving that you are sorry. To correctly assess which type of amendment is best on a per-case basis, it’s important not only to think about the individual themselves and what they’re more likely to appreciate but the very nature of the wrongdoing itself.

• It’s not just an apology. Expressing remorse might make you feel better, but comes up short of actually making up for the harm caused
• Try to see it from their perspective. Really evaluate the extent of your wrongdoings. The best way to show that you’re truly repentant is to show that you understand why your actions or words were so hurtful
• Address the mistake itself. Even if it’s difficult to say out loud, you owe it to the person you care about to truly own up to your past actions
• Prepare yourself in the instance that they might be unreceptive (or even hostile). No one owes you anything, much less their forgiveness. 
• Have suggestions for making it up to them. Actions speak louder than words and shows you’re serious about making things right
• Be patient. If you’ve lost someone’s trust, it can take a while to rebuild your relationship

Working Step 9: Action Meeting Intention

Step 9 emphasizes the importance of making amends in the least damaging way possible for both yourself and others. Just because you feel ready to bare your soul regarding a certain situation, doesn’t mean someone is ready to hear the whole truth. You might reveal something that opens up a fresh emotional wound or creates situations that adversely affect an innocent third party. 

However, this also doesn’t mean to shirk the hard confessions. The particularly heinous offenses you’ve committed (or perhaps one that would have drastic legal or financial consequences), will require your judgment call. Perhaps you own up to committing a crime – where would that leave your family if you were to go to jail? Talk to your sponsor to see if there is a happy medium that allows you to be true to the process but minimizes the most damaging consequences.

“Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”

Swallowing your pride and apologizing can be one of the most difficult things for a person to do. Admitting fault, taking blame…it’s an emotionally vulnerable situation and one that we naturally try to avoid. Step 8 continues to push us out of our comfort zone and forces us to do just that; reckoning with hurtful past deeds – even the ones committed unknowingly.

This step is equal parts planning and mindful reflection as it challenges recovering alcoholics to realize that the scope of the damage caused by their drinking was much wider than they initially believed. “Harm” does not necessarily mean physical damage, as it can include both emotional, psychological, physical, financial, and property damage as well.

The Purpose of Step 8

Owning up to past hurt is an important part of personal growth. Forcing yourself to face the victims of your wrongdoings is a reckoning force like no other. If you haven’t already atoned for your past actions, hearing about behavior directly from the affected person is sure to change that. The benefits of doing so are just as much for your victims’ peace of mind as it is yours. Whether the relationship is repairable or not, closure is invaluable to the soul.

However, the purpose of step 8 is not to make amends for the sake of easing a guilty conscience. Forgiveness from others is satisfying, but not the goal. Brace yourself for disappointment and even anger from those you apologize to – no one said this would be easy. Some conversations will be tougher than others so just keep in mind the ultimate goal: you are taking responsibility and confronting the ugly aftermath of your addiction.

Growth, Not Guilt

Step 8 is not intended to make you feel guilty or shame you out of your addiction. Rather, it is meant to make you mindful that your drinking negatively affects others besides yourself and on a scale much larger than you likely thought possible. Speaking with those individuals can really solidify your understanding of this and serve as a powerful motivation against the temptation to drink in the future.

Recognizing Who You’ve Hurt (It’s probably more than you think)

You’re already aware of a few who you’ve done harm to, but there are likely to be many more that you aren’t aware of. Just as alcoholics are prone to underestimate how much they drink, they tend to do the same with how much hurt their drinking habit has caused.

It can be easy to think that alcoholism is a victimless crime that only hurts the drinker, but that is far from the case. Think about it: Has your alcoholism ever caused you to be late to something? To tell a falsehood? To cancel on something important? 

Think Outside the Box

Even if you don’t remember intentionally doing any of these, it’s guaranteed that you probably have done so at some point during your addiction. This step is about coming to terms that your familial, professional, romantic, or any other kind of relationship have all been negatively affected by your alcoholism in some way. When it comes time to creating your list of people to make amends with, you’ll need to think outside the box. In many ways, this step is just as much about repairing relationships and encouraging personal growth as it is realizing the full extent of how harmful your alcoholism was. 

The People Who Don’t Deserve Amends

One of the most challenging aspects of working Step 8 is overcoming the thoughts that some of your hurtful acts were justified or even deserved. Perhaps your best friend yelled at you, maybe there are family members that cut off contact. You might feel that you don’t have to apologize to these individuals since they have wronged you as well. To fix this line of thinking, consider what you might have done to provoke them in the first place. You’ll soon realize that alcoholism caused many subtle rifts before it led to something major.

Working Step 8: Making Your List of Amends

To effectively complete step 8, you’ll need to physically write down a list of people with whom you need to make amends. Do not try and keep a running list in your head (it’ll likely be much longer than you think). Include every name you can think of, no matter how minute or mundane the circumstance. Next, it’s usually advised to break up your list into four categories :

• People to make amends with now
• People to make partial amends to
• People to make amends to later
• People you might not be able to reach

It’s common for AA participants to get discouraged once they’re confronted with so many names. Enlist the help of your sponsor to help you sort them. There is no time frame of how long it will take to do step 8, but don’t put it off, it’s an important part of the Alcoholics Anonymous process that’s crucial to moving on to the next step of the recovery process. 

“Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.”

Step 4 had us conduct a “fearless moral inventory” of ourselves where we first recognized our shortcomings. Step 6 ensured we were in the correct headspace (i.e. willing) to give them up – especially the ones we didn’t think were shortcomings in the first place. Step 7 is the culmination of those efforts and requires genuine humility to complete.

What Is a Shortcoming? & Why It Matters

A shortcoming is anything that causes pain or misery in your life. They can be conceptual like a love of money, a fear of being laughed at, a desire for attention. Some are much more concrete such as raising your voice when you’re angry, lashing out when you’re frustrated, being impatient in line. These behaviors themselves are often problematic themselves, but it’s the “why” behind this behavior that we are concerned with. 

Often, this “why” is rooted in a lack of humility. This doesn’t always look like arrogance (i.e. feelings of grandeur or superiority to others), however, as it can manifest itself in many ways. It often leads to overconfidence in our own capabilities that 1) prevents us from recognizing the need to change ourselves and 2) makes our alcoholism worse by promoting self-reliance rather than turning to a Higher Power. For this reason, a lack of humility is also partially to blame as both cause and prolonger of one’s alcohol problem.

The Importance of Humility

Besides being an admirable trait for any human being to have, humility is especially necessary for alcoholics. Humility allows individuals to gain a new perspective. How can you even begin to entertain the idea of becoming a better person if you don’t think anything can be improved upon? No matter the convincing your sponsor, meeting chair, or therapist may try, unless the willingness to change comes from within, the changes you make are likely to be superficial in nature and short-lived.

Think of your mindset before you completed Step 1. You probably felt that you were in ultimate control of your life and that your Higher Power just helped out every once in a while. Since then, you’ve grown to accept that one can’t be self-reliant when it comes to change since it is our doings that got us into this mess in the first place.

Working Step 7: The Removal of Shortcomings

Completing this step requires more than simply reciting the Step 7 Prayer or having a meaningful heart-to-heart with your Higher Powerful. It’s counterintuitive, but although step 7 says to ask for the removal of shortcomings, it’s actually directing you to take action. Whether you believe in a higher power or not, asking for shortcomings to go away won’t happen with just words or intentions alone. “Asking” indicates a willingness to take actions that will eventually lead you to your goal. 

For example: say you employ the help of a personal trainer to lose 50 pounds. No matter how much you ask for the desired outcome, they can’t magically remove that weight. What they can do, however, is provide instructions and guidance on how to achieve it for yourself. The responsibility then falls on you to follow through, apply their teachings to your daily life, and ultimately make the choices that will bring you to where you want to be. So while step seven may seem passive by simply saying to “ask”, it’s actually priming you for action.

Final Thoughts

In Step 7, we are no longer simply acknowledging these flaws, but are urged to make actionable changes in both our mindset and our behavior; to approach everything we say, do, and think with character growth at the forefront of our thoughts. Humility is a crucial aspect of accomplishing this and is at the base of our willingness to accept and seek change for ourselves.

Having come this far, the hopes are that you genuinely appreciate the purpose of humility and truly want to learn how to be humble – not just as a checkmark to move on to the next steps. Step 7 is an ongoing exercise that is never truly finished so don’t be frustrated if you don’t nail it in a single go. If you’re still struggling with this concept, revisit Step Four.

“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”

What Does Step 6 Mean?

Even after working steps 1 through 5 – taking a moral inventory, baring your soul (to either yourself, others, or your higher power), and declaring yourself ready to turn your life over – you still may not be as prepared for change as you think you are. Step 6 highlights that only being willing to change an individual part of your life or your mindset – in this case, alcoholism – will not work. You cannot beat your addiction by wanting change in an isolated, compartmentalized fashion. Only when you’re willing to change all aspects of yourself will you find yourself with the correct mindset to succeed in recovery.

The Goal of Working Step 6

It’s easy to get distracted by the mention of character defects and feel that this step is all about identifying (more) flaws in yourself. However, the word “ready” is what gives an insight into this step’s true purpose. The goal of working step 6 is all about putting ourselves in the right mindset of cultivating change. Ultimately, our efforts to overcome our addiction is to improve our lives, right? Alcoholics Anonymous uses step 6 as a holistic approach to encourage us to be the best version of ourselves in all aspects – not just our drinking. 

This “best version” of you does not mean perfection, however. The original literature acknowledges that we will still have innate desires or “instincts” that we may want to indulge ourselves in. Rather than saying to deny human nature, simply recognize that the same excuse-making mindset that allowed us to pursue self-destructive drinking behavior to such an extreme level is also present in our other vices.

What Is a Defect of Character? 

Step 6 has AA participants take a step back to recognize that they may possess unhealthy or negative vices, ways of thinking, or behaviors – hereby referred to as “defects of character”. Some of these character defects might have a direct influence on your drinking problem, some might not. 

Some of the defects will be obvious to you, as will their negative impact on your life – those aren’t the ones we’re concerned with (although it is important to address them and how they play a role in your interactions, your mindset, your goals, etc.). Instead, we want to get down to the character defects that, at first glance, might not seem so bad. 

Say for instance, that you partake in gossip from time to time. Harmless, right? Sticks and stones and all that. But deep down, we know that gossip can be quite hurtful and is overall, a negative behavior to partake in – so why do we downplay it? We shrug it off as something inconsequential even though it goes directly against what we know to be true about gossip (that it’s bad). Analyzing things like this that will bring out valuable insight not only about ourselves but highlight just how easily we rationalize and justify the negative behavior surrounding alcohol addiction.  

Types of Character Defects

One of the easiest ways to conceptualize these defects is to consider the seven deadly sins: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth. Many of the items you might include in your list of character defects would be offsets of these such as being judgemental (pride), a workaholic (greed), or overly critical (envy). 

Not all of the adjectives you think of to describe yourself will fall under one of the seven sins. More importantly, not all character defects are something that you might think of as negative. Let’s revisit the example of being a workaholic. You might actually take pride in this quality in yourself, you believe it to be a testament to your work ethic and reliability. However, deep down you might throw yourself into work for feeling guilty when you’re relaxing, overcompensating for feelings of insecurity regarding your accomplishments, or perhaps trying to make yourself look superior to others. 

Working Step 6: 

The easiest way to create a list of character defects is to include both negative and positive words you would use to describe yourself. Then, dive into the motivation behind those qualities. Take your time, this is not a quick process. In fact, many find this to be an ongoing exercise as they continue to discover more about themselves and dig deeper in their moral inventory. 

Just remember that the purpose of this process is to create a readiness and willingness to become better people – not an expectation to be perfect. To do this, you’ll be asked to identify undesirable behavior or ways of thinking that you’ve rationalized – or even find to be admirable.   Understand how that same line of thinking can be one of the reasons you have struggled with alcoholism thus far. Resolving your alcohol addiction requires a willingness to change everything about your way of life, not just what you “think” is the problem.

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Step 5 is the ultimate challenge of humility. It’s the first time that participants are asked to share their deepest, darkest wrongdoings out loud and with another person. If merely the thought of this has you ready to bolt from the meeting room, you’re certainly not alone. Ask any seasoned AA veteran and they’ll tell you that Step 5 is a doozy. But those who are able to do it have reported it as one of the most freeing experiences of their lives. 

A Brief Explanation of Step 5: Taking the Power Out of Past Pain

The thinking behind this step is that only by openly talking about the skeletons in our closets can one truly move past them. It’s a concept similar to that of Catholic confession, and while there may not be a priest to absolve you of your past, Step 5 offers the same promise of relief by allowing recovering addicts to let go of the terrible secrets that chained them to their past.  Like every step before this, working Step 5 requires a recovering alcoholic to knock down yet another wall of ego and pride.

The Purpose of Admitting Wrongs to Others 

There’s a steep price that comes at the cost of carrying a great secret: isolation. Feelings of shame are often derived out of fear or anticipation of judgment, leaving you to shoulder your feelings alone. This inherently creates a feeling of isolation, an invisible barrier you subconsciously put up with everyone you encounter.  

So why does Step 5 ask you to unearth and share your greatest and most shameful secrets? The purpose is quite straightforward. Doing so helps to knock down the walls that addiction puts up around our hearts. Sharing our truths – no matter how unpleasant – banishes the loneliness that addiction often brings. Additionally, revealing your lowest moments to another person releases a tremendous emotional burden, and helps you feel more connected to people once again.

The Biggest Obstacles to Working Step 5

The task of admitting “the exact nature of our wrongs” is considered to be one of the hardest in the Twelve Steps. For many, the promise of releasing the secrets that have been burdening them isn’t enough to entice them to overcome their fear of being judged. Simply by the nature of speaking something out loud can make things seem more “real”. To do so would force us to reckon with our past actions for the first time, adding to the reluctance to go through with the admittance of wrongs. There are two things in particular that tend to be the main point of concern when it comes to step five, here’s how to overcome them:

Choosing a confidante

At first, participants might assume that they will be sharing their most guarded secrets to the entire group or to a complete stranger. Step 5 does not require individuals to stand at a podium, metaphorical or otherwise. It should be comforting to know that you only need to tell one person, and it’s an individual of your choosing. The person who first comes to mind is likely to be your AA sponsor, but it doesn’t have to be. The recipient of your confession should be someone whom you trust, respect, and more than anything, feel comfortable with. It is recommended that it is someone who has also experienced addiction and has had life experiences similar to your own.  

Confessing illegal wrongdoings

Addiction can bring us to do terrible things that we otherwise would never think that we were capable of ( See Step 2: Admitting insanity). Some of those things might even err on the wrong side of the law. It’s not uncommon, but still adds an extra layer of difficulty when it comes to being open and honest. If you are concerned about your confidante being put in an uncomfortable position or the risk that you’ll be reported to authorities, not to worry. The person you choose to confide in does not have to be from the Alcoholics Anonymous organization. You can choose someone who is professionally bound to confidentiality such as a member of the church or a therapist.

Overcoming negative feelings of shame or fear

As social creatures, the thought of revealing the worst aspects of ourselves goes against our most basic of instincts. So if the thought of confessing your lowest moments fills you with dread, take comfort that everyone else in the room with you has (or will have) had to undergo this same task and likely felt the same way you’re feeling now. Think of Step 5 as a rite of passage. Once completed, you’ll feel a much closer bond with the other members of the group.

Tips for Having a Difficult Conversation

Don’t let temporary fear rob you of the opportunity to find peace. Once you’ve gathered the resolve to go through and work Step 5 in earnest, you can employ a few tactics to make the conversation easier: 

• If a face-to-face conversation is too much, try being in the same room but with your backs turned to one another. Once you’ve begun and feel a bit more comfortable, then turn to face your listener.
• Wear sunglasses or some sort of face covering. Things like masks and costumes make us feel shielded and thereby lower our inhibitions. Even if your speaker knows who you are, having some sort of physical barrier can help you feel more secure when sharing. 
• Studies have shown that the brain finds it difficult to speak while maintaining eye contact. if you feel like you’re struggling, feel free to look at the floor, your hands, a spot on the wall, etc. Your listener will understand and won’t be offended.
• Being vulnerable is one of the bravest things you could possibly be –  it is not a weakness. Embrace the opportunity to do so in a judgment-free environment and remember that you have given yourself over to your higher power and are no longer the person whose actions you are describing

Because of the difficult nature of this task, many in the AA program find it necessary to come back to this step multiple times to eventually get the entire truth out. Don’t feel pressured to have to bear your soul completely in the first go.

“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

The Purpose of Step Four

In the original text of the 12 steps, the author says that “misdirected instincts” are the cause of physical and mental liabilities, and essentially, addiction itself. The goal of taking a “moral inventory” is to determine the cause(s) of your drinking addiction. It is one of the first deep dives into an addict’s instincts, desires, and motivations. Identifying these is an important gateway to uncovering the underlying root cause of compulsive (and destructive) behaviors. 

How To Conduct a Moral Inventory

There’s a reason the word “fearless” is included in this step, as this process is often not an easy one. To properly and sincerely look inward requires acknowledging some of the worst parts of ourselves. It requires us to confront both our conscious and unconscious feelings – the latter which may be at odds with the version of us we want to be. These affect everything from how we view the world to how we interact with others. 

Self-reflection can be a huge blow to the ego and you may find it difficult to separate yourself from feelings of pride or shame. But this step is not meant to lay you bare and have you self-flagellate. Remember that Step 3 encouraged us to put our moral hangups on a metaphorical shelf under the care of a self-interpreted “higher power”. You are in the process of moving forward and embracing a better version of yourself, and the discomfort you feel is only temporary.

Potential Challenges 

One of the greatest challenges in working step four lies with pride. Having made it this far you might automatically assume you have already accepted that you are imperfect, and are therefore perfectly capable of providing an impartial self-analysis. However, in many instances, the alcoholic will blame the substance as the root of all their character flaws. They consider all the negative aspects of alcoholism – and the things it has driven them to do – as something separate from who they actually are. This line of thinking is defensive and unproductive. 

Those in the throes of working step 4 must understand that it is actually these character flaws that drove them to their compulsion and not the other way around. Despite the humility and honesty, asked of you in steps one, two, and three, you may still unconsciously resist the thought of having to identify your flaws as a person.   

Tips for Working Step 4

The principle of the fourth step is about understanding the core of why we are who we are today. Doing so is intended to help recovering alcoholics identify their internal triggers and the factors that have shaped crucial parts of their identity. These factors are referred to as our “instincts” and they shape everything from our obsessions to how we deal with fear to what we seek in our relationships. By first understanding the “how” of our behavior, we can then move forward to the more important “why”. 

• Keep a pen and paper handy and physically write out your thoughts
• Never erase an answer: No matter how embarrassing or seemingly inconsequential, you’re not supposed to pick and choose what you recall about yourself
• Take your time: As you become more adept at self-reflection and taking a personal inventory of yourself, you’ll be able to dig deeper with every attempt. Don’t expect to list every little detail about yourself in one sitting, consider this an ongoing project of self-discovery.
• Think chronologically: This will give you a solid place to start and help you anchor your thoughts. Consider significant moments in your childhood, adolescence, and adulthood that evoke strong memories – both good and bad.   

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”

Step 3 is ultimately about changing the trajectory of one’s life through surrender. Both the word choice and concept of this can be difficult to swallow – even the original text acknowledges the difficulty and that it can seem impossible to fulfill. However, the text also states that this step is one of the most crucial in order to find lasting success with both Alcoholics Anonymous and the remainder of the 12 steps program, making it crucial that working step 3 is done in sincerity.

A Guide to Step 3 of Alcoholics Anonymous

Step 3 is inherently more challenging than the two previous ones because it is the first time being prompted to take action. Steps 1 and 2 were about mental preparation: accepting that healing is needed along with external help. Next is to turn words into action and to make a deeper commitment to the program and in turn, your own recovery. 

Use of the word “decision” is very meaningful as the concept of willingness is an integral part of moving forward in the recovery process. Because while you may find yourself in an AA group meeting against your will, it’s only your own willingness that can bring you to seek real and lasting change. Step 3 marks the first of many active and thoughtfully-made decisions to come. 

The significance of self-will

Step 3 challenges us to  “let go”  so that we are no longer operating solely based on our own self-will. The concept (also referred to as human will or free will) has strong cultural implications and is closely tied to our personal identities. For that reason, the concept of relinquishing that control is one that is quite foreign to us – especially to AA beginners – and can be difficult to grapple with. 

However, this urging to “turn our will” over is not said to eliminate our sense of self or our individuality. Self-will is fraught with ego, bias, and selfishness. It tends to dominate our thoughts and actions and can lead us astray. Forgoing self-will and instead, following a new path that is laid for us via a “higher power” that has our best interests at heart, is far more likely to lead us to recovery.

Working Step 3 if You’re Not Religious

For those who aren’t religious, the mention of ‘God’ can be uncomfortable and a major roadblock to connecting with this statement. However, the original author of the 12 Steps of Recovery wanted the program to be accessible by all and purposely included the phrase “as we understood Him”. Once again, the use of the capitalized ‘h’ in “Him” would appear to be another reference to the standard Christian concept of God. However, it is meant to modify the prior mention of God, and encourage individual interpretation. 

This higher power can simply be a general sense of spirituality or even another person. In many interpretations, participants have determined their AA groups as their higher power. Regardless of how or who you choose to rely on, faith is a major component to successfully working Step 3.

“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

Working Step 2: What It Means & How To Do It

Whereas Step 1 is about recognizing the scope of your substance abuse problem, Step 2 is the leap of faith that emphasizes that overcoming addiction is something you cannot do alone. It’s understanding that up until now, you have primarily been self-reliant in trying to overcome addiction and that now, you are ready to accept external help. 

What does ‘a Power greater than ourselves’ mean?

While the mention of ‘Power’ traditionally refers to God – your interpretation does not have to (we’ll touch back on this later). It can be any person, place, thing, or even a feeling, that can serve as an unwavering source of motivation for you. These external motivators will help keep long-term goals in perspective during moments of weakness.  Examples of non-religious “higher powers” can be an instrument you play, a family member that’s rooting for you, the desire to see the next season of a show you love, or simply your AA sponsor.

What does ‘Restore us to sanity’ mean? 

This phrase is known for being somewhat off-putting to recovering addicts. At face value, it would seem that it is implying the reader is insane or crazy. Naturally, this could be a cause for taking offense. One of the core beliefs of addiction recovery is that you are more than your addiction and it’s odd that an organization dedicated to helping addicts would place such judgment on its participants. 

Step Two is not meant to be a personal attack. Keep in mind that the 12 Steps for Recovery were written nearly a century ago. Many of the terms they use and their way of speaking does not seamlessly carry over to our modern-day language. As for actually carrying out Step 2, consider your actions related to addiction – there are probably a few things that could qualify as a bit insane. 

You may have prioritized drinking over work, relationships, and even your own basic sustenance. You may have done things you never would have otherwise like rob a family member or lie to your spouse. Realizing that your alcohol habits led you to do and say things that are out of character. 

Reading Is Believing…Right? 

One aspect that can sometimes trip up even the most devoted of 12 Step participants is the use of the past tense “came to believe”. Whether these words are read aloud or in your mind, if it sounds like you’re being told that you’ve already done something, you might fail to reflect whether you’ve actually internalized the message being this step. To properly work step two requires reflection and a deep look inward for what truly motivates us – and sometimes, those things aren’t as noble as we would like to believe.

Is Alcoholics Anonymous Only For Christians?

A common challenge new Alcoholics Anonymous members face when participating in the 12 Steps programs is the heavy religious overtones. God, faith, prayer – these are all recurring topics mentioned throughout AA’s principles, foundations, and practices. What’s the connection between Alcoholics Anonymous and religion? It actually is due to the organization’s origins as a Christian group when it was founded almost a century ago in 1935. 

For those who aren’t of the Christian faith – or any faith for that matter – the direct and indirect mentions of God can feel alienating. Fortunately, you don’t need to be religious to participate in AA or successfully complete the 12 Steps of Recovery. Working Step 2 can be done by anyone – no matter their religious affiliation (or lack thereof). 

Find An Alcoholics Anonymous Group Near You

Nowadays, many AA groups have adopted a secular version of the 12 Steps program. The underlying messaging is the same, but the steps have simply been revised to omit any religious mentions. This can make it easier for non-religious members to relate and allows for a wider range of interpretations. Some groups take it a step further and have established themselves as an AA group for non-religious folks to serve as a safe space for agnostics and atheists. 

It’s important to find a group where you feel comfortable – after all, you will have to share some of your lowest moments with these people. To make sure you find the AA group that’s right for you, visit our Alcoholics Anonymous meeting directory to find meetings near you.