Author: Find Recovery Editorial Team

Shame is an automatic emotion that responds to a sense of failure. It’s a feeling many struggling with substance use disorders know a bit too well. Over time, shame disconnects individuals from the world around them, and it’s one of the things that fuels the secrecy and isolation commonly associated with alcoholism. In fact, different studies show that people who experience shame tend to experience more drinking-related consequences. After all, the tendency to use alcohol to reduce negative emotions is a very common coping mechanism. 

What Exactly Is Toxic Shame?

Toxic shame is a feeling of hopelessness. It can arise from others’ negative emotions, making you feel useless or not as good as others. Unlike guilt, shame makes you believe you’re not enough – a feeling alcoholics can recognize. While we all experience shame at some point in our lives, shame becomes toxic when the feeling stays with us. Toxic shame can result in two responses:

• Withdrawal: You might feel inferior or not good enough to do something or be surrounded by others, so you want to withdraw and isolate yourself. 
• Anger: Because you’re experiencing pain, it’s easy to feel anger against others and sometimes even yourself, particularly if your shame comes from your alcohol use disorder.

To cope with toxic shame, people turn to substance abuse, eating disorders, and self-harm. These unhealthy coping mechanisms provide an escape from emotional pain or the inability to face your true self. Other people develop perfectionist behaviors and have unrealistic expectations to avoid feeling or being shamed again. 

The Connection Between Shame and Addiction

Lots of people who struggle with alcohol use disorder have experienced trauma or dysfunction in their lives. Growing up with toxic shame can cause people to develop skewed images of themselves that can easily motivate them to seek comfort in substances. 

Unfortunately, the connection between shame and addiction creates a vicious cycle that can be tough to break. Studies show that shame could follow when people experience failure to meet role expectations due to their drinking habits. For example, an alcoholic can get into a public argument or miss work after a day of binge drinking. Such events can result in shame and can fuel more drinking as a coping mechanism to detach from the feelings of shame. 

This vicious cycle exacerbates anxiety and depression that makes addiction even worse to manage. Similar studies have proved the connection between shame and addiction. One study found that students who perceived themselves as drinking more than their peers experienced shame after drinking. In turn, it also increased drinking over time. This study shows that shame can be a trigger and a consequence of excessive drinking, at least for some people. 

How to Deal With Toxic Shame

It’s possible to overcome shame and alcoholism. Many alcohol addiction treatment programs focus on addressing feelings of shame and guilt. It’s also a matter of practicing self-compassion, self-awareness, and having patience. Here are some tips to overcome shame:

• Become aware of how you talk to yourself and try not to react to it; write down your thoughts to help you become more self-aware of your sabotage.
• Practice mindfulness and medication to help you observe your thoughts and learn how to react to shame from a more positive environment. 
• Find support groups within the recovering alcoholics’ community to receive support and caring feedback about your recovery journey. 
• Consider starting a journal to help you express your feelings without letting them affect you directly. 
• Recognize when you’re feeling shame and consider a positive method of coping such as meditation, affirmations, or reaching out for help. 
• It might be worth it for toxic shame to talk to a trusted therapist who can help you unwind previous trauma that could contribute to your shame and alcohol use disorder. 

Overcoming Shame In Addiction Recovery

Toxic shame is a prevalent relapse trigger. People in addiction recovery often struggle with feelings of shame, and that can hinder their progress. You must remember we all experience shame, guilt, and self-doubt. If you’re struggling with shame, seek help and speak up. Individual counseling or group therapy with an addiction specialist can help you cope and manage shame in recovery. 

Both therapy modalities will give you a safe space to dive deep into your experiences to help you identify the source of your toxic shame. Through different healing methods, you can work alongside a therapist and peers to find new ways to control these unhealthy thoughts and eventually learn the mechanisms and skills to prevent a relapse episode. 

Being married to an alcoholic or even a recovering alcoholic can understandably lead to feelings of stress and hopelessness. When alcoholism and marriage coincide, a lot happens among both parties and the family. As you might know, alcohol use disorder affects the entire family and suddenly changes the family dynamics. When you’re married to someone with a substance use disorder, you might feel lost and scared about your relationship’s future. Keep reading to learn how to cope when you’re married to an alcoholic and how to be a supportive partner.

Alcoholism and Marriage

Someone with an alcohol use disorder makes drinking their priority, pushing other people and other things to the side. It’s common for marriages with alcoholic
partners to get into physical altercations, struggle with financial difficulties, and place strain on all family members.

Estimates believe between 10% to 45% of marriages in the United States are alcoholic marriages. Over time, researchers have studied the effects of alcoholism in marriage and found that:

• Alcoholics are by far less likely to marry than nonalcoholic
• Alcoholics who get married often either do so earlier or later than nonalcoholic
• Recovering alcoholics are likely to reduce their alcohol use once married
• Alcoholics are more likely to get divorced than nonalcoholic

Alcohol abuse can contribute to marital conflict, infidelity, domestic violence, unplanned pregnancy, and financial instability. Not to mention, it places a layer of stress and psychological strain that can be burdensome for anyone.

How Alcoholism Affects the Family Dynamics

Alcoholism can increase rates of divorce by at least 20%. It also increases irrational actions, including domestic abuse. Alcoholism in marriage can also cause significant distress, anger, resentment, dysfunctional communication, and mental health strain.

Today, about 1 in every 8 children grow up in a home where a parent or caregiver abuses drugs or alcohol. Being around alcoholism can also affect how children function later in life. In the short term, children may develop indifferent or demanding behaviors. Long-term, children who grew up in alcoholic marriages can develop PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Children of addicts are more likely to develop substance use disorders when they grow up. They’re also three times more likely to be neglected physically and sexually abused.

When there’s a family unit, alcoholism significantly changes the family dynamics. First of all, nonalcoholic spouses might often blame themselves or try to control the problem by themselves. These effects will trigger a chain of reactions that can place a significant burden on any marriage.

Another interesting result of alcoholism in marriage is the dynamic of the enabler. The enabler figure often appears in families with small children. As nonalcoholic partners want their children to live in a happy and safe environment, they’re likely to make excuses and cover up the evidence of alcoholism to make the problem disappear. However, in reality, they’re enabling the alcoholic’s behavior and patterns.

Codependency is another common effect of having an alcoholic marriage. Once a partner becomes an enabler, they can become co-alcoholics by helping their loved one with their alcohol abuse without noticing. Codependency treatment is also available in rehab and can be highly effective.

Top Books On Alcoholism and Marriage to Consider

For alcoholic marriages, there are many books on alcoholism and marriage that can be helpful. These are some popular books on alcoholic marriages to consider:

• The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage
• Marriage On The Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic
• Courage to Change: Personal Conversation About Alcoholism
• If You Loved Me, You’d Stop: What You Really Need to Know When Your Loved One Drinks Too Much
• Adult Children: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families

Can a Marriage Survive Alcoholism?

Many marriages do survive alcoholism. The first step is to seek help and consider having an intervention. With an intervention, your loved one can hopefully recognize their need for help. In this case, it’s always best to come prepared and already have a treatment center selected. Many rehab centers will work with you in organizing the intervention. The idea is to have everything ready in case the addict accepts help.

But addiction affects everyone in the family. Since alcoholism often strains relationships, it’s important to incorporate couples counseling and family therapy as part of the treatment. Seeking help for your loved one, for yourself, and your family is important.

It’s also important to note that you’re not supposed to save anyone from addiction – it’s not your role., if ultimately you have to consider divorce, don’t blame yourself. Seek help from support groups like Al-Anon family groups, or consider speaking to an addiction counselor to find the support you need to focus on your mental health as well.

Sources:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2700350/

https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1985-04356-001

We have all been at the party where someone has drunk one too many glasses of alcohol and is now causing a scene. Unfortunately, heavy or excessive drinking has many more harmful consequences than simply ruining an evening. In order to discuss just how detrimental heavy drinking can be to your health and life, we must first talk about what heavy drinking actually is. 

What is Heavy Drinking?

It can be challenging to create a single definition of heavy drinking. Different organizations have provided various recommendations of what heavy drinking is considered to be. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) describes binge drinking as a consistent pattern of alcohol consumption that brings your blood alcohol level to 0.08 g/dl.

What is Heavy Drinking for a Woman Versus a Man?

Heavy drinking is also defined differently based on your sex (male/female). The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) described binge drinking as four or more alcoholic drinks in a single sitting for females. Additionally, heavy drinking is considered drinking five or more alcoholic beverages on a single occasion for males. 

While the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism and The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration’s definitions of binge drinking may seem different, they are actually speaking about a similar quantity of alcohol. It typically takes 4-5 alcoholic beverages to get your blood alcohol level to a 0.08 g/dl. 

Furthermore, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) defines “heavy drinking” as binge drinking at least five days in the past month. 

How Much is Too Much Alcohol Per Week? 

If you want to avoid drinking too much alcohol in a given week, you should follow the guidelines set aside for moderate or low-risk drinking by the  National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. They describe moderate or low-risk drinking as no more than seven drinks per week for women. For men, low or moderate-risk drinking is considered less than 14 drinks in a single week. 

Warning: There are certain individuals that should refrain from drinking any alcohol at all, including those who are:

• Pregnant or may be pregnant 
• Diagnosed with certain medical conditions
• Under 21 years old
• Recovering from Alcohol Use Disorder
• Taking certain over-the-counter or prescription medications that can negatively interact with alcohol
• Driving or planning to drive

Avoiding drinking alcohol if you fall into these categories can help you save both your own life and the lives of others around you.

Symptoms of Drinking Too Much Alcohol

Drinking too much alcohol can have significant harmful consequences both physically and mentally. Binge drinking can negatively affect almost every part of your body. You may experience the following symptoms while you are intoxicated:

• Poor judgment
• Slow reflexes
• Lower inhibitions
• Blackouts – not being able to remember things or events while you are intoxicated
• Difficulty with walking, talking, or standing
• Emotional or mood changes
• Dehydration
• Drowsiness
• Distracted sleeping
• Having to urinate more often

These symptoms can be dangerous for your safety, especially when mixed with one another. For example, an intoxicated person with impaired judgment is more likely to engage in risky behavior such as driving while intoxicated. Their vision and reflexes are also worse, so that combined with driving; they can easily lead to a car accident in which either they get hurt or hurt the other party. 

Long-Term Side Effects of Excessive Drinking

Indeed, 20 years of heavy drinking is much worse for you than a glass of wine or two now and then. Drinking excessively for a prolonged period of time will ultimately lead to the deterioration of both your mental and physical health. 

Possible Physical Health Consequences of Binge Drinking include: 

• Anemia 
• Increased risk of Cancer
• Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease
• Increased risk of Heart Disease
• Increased risk of Dementia
• Thinning of the bones
• Damage to your Central Nervous System – this can also lead to tingling, numbness, or pain in your hands and feet.
• Sexual Dysfunction
• Lung Infections
• Pancreatitis
• High Blood Pressure
• Shrinkage of the Frontal Lobes in Your Brain 
• Infertility

Binge Drinking can also cause serious mental health consequences such as:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Fatigue
• Mood swings
• Decrease in cognitive abilities 
• Aggression

Addiction:

One of the most severe consequences of heavy drinking is forming a dependency on alcohol, also known as an addiction. Becoming addicted to alcohol is incredibly dangerous as it will impact every single part of your life from your safety and daily functioning to your interpersonal relationships and your career.

How Much Drinking Will Make You an Alcoholic?

That is a difficult thing to answer since heavy drinking and alcoholism are not the same thing. Earlier, we defined what heavy drinking is. On the other hand, Alcoholism is classified as a substance use disorder that requires professional treatment in most cases. Many people might engage in heavy drinking but have not actually formed an addiction yet. However, heavy drinking does significantly increase your risk of developing alcohol addiction. 

Defining Alcohol Use Disorder

Alcohol Use Disorder, also known as Alcoholism, occurs when a person drinks so excessively that their body becomes dependent on alcohol. Alcohol becomes the most important thing in their life. Furthermore, their alcohol abuse might cause them to lose their job, destroy their relationships, and severely impact their emotional health. They know that their alcoholism is causing all these negative consequences, but simple awareness is not enough to make them stop drinking. The changes in their brain are so strong that they need their alcohol fix. This is why alcoholism is often treated with the help of a professional treatment center or therapist.

Do Not be Afraid to Seek Help! 

If you are worried about your heavy drinking or fear that you might be an alcoholic, we are here to help you! With the right resources and treatment options available, you can turn your life around for the better and overcome your addiction. 

Click here to learn more about Alcoholics Anonymous and how this program can help you overcome your drinking problem and regain control of your life! 

Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who have a desire to stop drinking. This program is based on the 12 steps and 12 traditions outlined by the founders of this program in the original text: The Big Book. The founding principles put a great focus on anonymity and accessibility. In order to make AA meetings and the 12 step accessible, the program is virtually free. You cannot be required to pay to attend a meeting and there are ways to get the books and pamphlets for free. So is Alcoholics Anonymous free? The short answer is yes.

How is AA Funded?

Members of AA gather in physical locations, provide free coffee and snacks, and review the text the program was created around. How can Alcoholics Anonymous be free when it requires meeting space, snacks, and books – things that cost money? In addition to that, the 7th tradition states that these groups “ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.” So how in the heck do they pay for things? It all comes down to contributions from members within the organization. While not every member will have the means to contribute, those who do are encouraged to do so. 

The 1st tradition mentions unity and the 5th tradition says to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers. One way to carry out these traditions is for each member to donate what they can to keep the meetings going. By keeping the meetings going, they are maintaining a space to gather together (unity) and for new members to seek help through AA (carry its message). Carrying the message of AA is also a part of the 12th step.

Getting Materials for Free

From pamphlets to books, there is a lot of AA literature out there and getting them printed is not free. However, the fellowship does everything in its power to make the materials affordable or even free to its members. Here are some ways

• AA is not setting out to make a profit, therefore if you do set out to buy new materials you can still get them at an affordable price. 
• You can read an AA book anywhere you go as they are available as eBooks for just a few dollars.
• When it comes to books, pamphlets, or any AA literature, members are encouraged to pass their literature on to someone else in need once they are done. When books are passed down, it allows those without extra money to gain insight into the program. This is just one way in which they can make the program more accessible and carry on the message of AA. 

Find an AA Meeting & Get Started for Free

AA meetings are free to attend throughout the country. This means you can begin your recovery journey and get support for zero dollars. There is no excuse to wait another day. Find an AA Meeting Near you.