“Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”
Swallowing your pride and apologizing can be one of the most difficult things for a person to do. Admitting fault, taking blame…it’s an emotionally vulnerable situation and one that we naturally try to avoid. Step 8 continues to push us out of our comfort zone and forces us to do just that; reckoning with hurtful past deeds – even the ones committed unknowingly.
This step is equal parts planning and mindful reflection as it challenges recovering alcoholics to realize that the scope of the damage caused by their drinking was much wider than they initially believed. “Harm” does not necessarily mean physical damage, as it can include both emotional, psychological, physical, financial, and property damage as well.
The Purpose of Step 8
Owning up to past hurt is an important part of personal growth. Forcing yourself to face the victims of your wrongdoings is a reckoning force like no other. If you haven’t already atoned for your past actions, hearing about behavior directly from the affected person is sure to change that. The benefits of doing so are just as much for your victims’ peace of mind as it is yours. Whether the relationship is repairable or not, closure is invaluable to the soul.
However, the purpose of step 8 is not to make amends for the sake of easing a guilty conscience. Forgiveness from others is satisfying, but not the goal. Brace yourself for disappointment and even anger from those you apologize to – no one said this would be easy. Some conversations will be tougher than others so just keep in mind the ultimate goal: you are taking responsibility and confronting the ugly aftermath of your addiction.
Growth, Not Guilt
Step 8 is not intended to make you feel guilty or shame you out of your addiction. Rather, it is meant to make you mindful that your drinking negatively affects others besides yourself and on a scale much larger than you likely thought possible. Speaking with those individuals can really solidify your understanding of this and serve as a powerful motivation against the temptation to drink in the future.
Recognizing Who You’ve Hurt (It’s probably more than you think)
You’re already aware of a few who you’ve done harm to, but there are likely to be many more that you aren’t aware of. Just as alcoholics are prone to underestimate how much they drink, they tend to do the same with how much hurt their drinking habit has caused.
It can be easy to think that alcoholism is a victimless crime that only hurts the drinker, but that is far from the case. Think about it: Has your alcoholism ever caused you to be late to something? To tell a falsehood? To cancel on something important?
Think Outside the Box
Even if you don’t remember intentionally doing any of these, it’s guaranteed that you probably have done so at some point during your addiction. This step is about coming to terms that your familial, professional, romantic, or any other kind of relationship have all been negatively affected by your alcoholism in some way. When it comes time to creating your list of people to make amends with, you’ll need to think outside the box. In many ways, this step is just as much about repairing relationships and encouraging personal growth as it is realizing the full extent of how harmful your alcoholism was.
The People Who Don’t Deserve Amends
One of the most challenging aspects of working Step 8 is overcoming the thoughts that some of your hurtful acts were justified or even deserved. Perhaps your best friend yelled at you, maybe there are family members that cut off contact. You might feel that you don’t have to apologize to these individuals since they have wronged you as well. To fix this line of thinking, consider what you might have done to provoke them in the first place. You’ll soon realize that alcoholism caused many subtle rifts before it led to something major.
Working Step 8: Making Your List of Amends
To effectively complete step 8, you’ll need to physically write down a list of people with whom you need to make amends. Do not try and keep a running list in your head (it’ll likely be much longer than you think). Include every name you can think of, no matter how minute or mundane the circumstance. Next, it’s usually advised to break up your list into four categories :
- People to make amends with now
- People to make partial amends to
- People to make amends to later
- People you might not be able to reach
It’s common for AA participants to get discouraged once they’re confronted with so many names. Enlist the help of your sponsor to help you sort them. There is no time frame of how long it will take to do step 8, but don’t put it off, it’s an important part of the Alcoholics Anonymous process that’s crucial to moving on to the next step of the recovery process.
