Cinderella syndrome (also sometimes referred to as a Cinderella complex or the Cinderella effect) is a psychological condition when a person has “an unconscious desire to be taken care of by someone else.” It was popularized in a book written by author and psychotherapist, Colette Dowling, in reference to the main character of the well-known fairytale — a princess who relies on being rescued by her prince to escape her miserable situation.
Initially, the term only referred to women who had a fear of independence and felt that they needed a (usually male) savior. Since then, Cinderella syndrome (and its many names), has been adopted by mental health professionals. It can now be applied to refer to anyone who believes that they can only find happiness through external sources, such as romantic relationships or material possessions.
Why the Cinderella Syndrome is a toxic way of thinking
A “Cinderella complex” is a deceptively cute name for a highly toxic thought pattern. The reasons why this attitude is problematic are obvious. At its core, there’s a lack of willingness to take responsibility for one’s actions. It also discourages the individual from recognizing that they have agency and can change (and even improve) their situation themselves.
The notion of waiting for the proverbial “white knight” or “prince charming” to come to the rescue is going to result in making poor choices, be they in love, work, amongst family, friends, or strangers — or perhaps failing to make any choices at all.
How Cinderella Syndrome Can Impact Addiction
For the reasons outlined above, this syndrome is particularly detrimental when it comes to addiction recovery. The nature of this condition lends itself all too well to behavior that can either lead to a path of addiction or fuel it further.
Prone to unhealthy coping mechanisms
Someone with Cinderella syndrome either doesn’t believe they can manage their own emotions or simply lack the desire to do so. Instead, they place the responsibility for their physical, emotional, or psychological well-being on others. Naturally, this type of person is also likely to be prone to relying on other external coping mechanisms.
For many, this means drugs or alcohol. They may think something along the lines of “Drinking will make all my problems go away” which ends up being a gateway to addiction.
Lack of motivation to modify behavior
A person with Cinderella syndrome always expects someone else to get them out of their situation. So in a circumstance like addiction, where it ultimately comes down to that individual’s desire and determination to make positive changes (something that someone with Cinderella syndrome severely lacks), they may have an exceptionally difficult time trying to recover.
Instead of taking accountability for their actions or reflecting on the changes they could make to better themselves, they may think something along the lines of “Once I get the perfect romantic partner/job/physique, I won’t need to drink to feel happy.”
As with the other scenario, this fairytale line of thinking puts the burden of responsibility on some external object or person to serve as the catalyst that prompts the change in some way. Perhaps filling some emotional void or something more practical such as financial assistance. In either instance, the individual is the recipient of some sort of action that “rescues” them from the situation, rather than them needing to make any meaningful change.
Leads to unrealistic expectations
Whether you’re placing expectations on someone or something beyond your control, odds are that you’re going to be disappointed. If you’re expecting someone or something to result in your “happily ever after,” then odds are you’re going to be even more disappointed.
To someone with a Cinderella complex, they may only see two possible outcomes: success—or utter failure. This lack of nuance sets a person up for disappointment and discouragement, serving as an emotional trigger that causes them to relapse.
Shared Cinderella Syndrome and drug addiction characteristics
- Escapism: Looks for relief from unpleasant situations through distractions that may not be productive or healthy
- Codependent: Being in an imbalanced relationship through which one or both partners base their self-worth on the other
- Lack of accountability: Tends to blame others and look outward for the cause of their misfortunes
- Self-sabotaging behavior: May consciously or unconsciously engage in behavior that sets them up for failure since “it wasn’t going to work anyways”
- Poor self-image: Lack of self-esteem or worth may stop them from seeking assistance
- Lack of control: Feeling powerless to create change; instead may rely on, or blame others when things don’t go their way
If you have a loved one suffering from addiction, you can’t just wish for a fairytale ending. For free addiction recovery support, find an AA group near you, today.
